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Adventures in Gettysburg


The 2nd “Cliff” teaching Matt how to shoot the canons.

After waking up off the streets, we ventured off into Gettysburg.   First on the agenda we drove through the town of Gettysburg to get to the guide.   Once we received our guide, we all piled into the Camaro.   Proceeding from the parking lot we drove past Cemetery Ridge.   Our tour guide happened to be Cliff Claven, the ex-mailman from Cheers.   When we got to the battlefields we noticed a large pile of weaponry.  We were very curious as to how they worked, so we grabbed amunition and began to load them.   Matt and I fired the first two shots.   Accidentally, Matt shot Cliff — so I became the leader.   So we took the guns away from Matt, and let him use the cannons.   Then we realized it wasn’t such a good idea because he didn’t know how to use them.   So we found a random tour guide, who coincidentally was also named Cliff to show him how to use them.   After learning how to shoot the cannons we decided to shoot some buses.   Unfortunately for the owners, it was full of fireworks, so it erupted in an epic explosion.   A few terrorists were walking down the street next to the buses.   They saw the explosion and thought we were starting battle with them.   They grabbed their guns and started shooting towards us.   (Thankfully there were no airplanes around.)   So we grabbed our guns and shot back.   When we got in the car for protection, and to use as a weapon, we noticed it was low on gas.   So Cliff pointed out a great place to get gas.   When we drove up, we could not pump our own gas because we were in an epic battle for the right to shoot our own guns.   For that reason the man inside came out and pumped it for us.   He was faster than a jack-rabbit.    We floored it out of there squealing our tires all the way down the street.   When we got back to the battle field we began to do donuts in the field.   Doing donuts created an impenetrable dust storm so that the enemy could not see where to shoot.   After leaving and driving around behind them and ran few over and Matt shot the rest with a turret gun – which caused us to win the war.   After that, we were famished – so we decided to go to General Pickette’s buffet.   We began to eat when Ashley let out a horrific death screech.   We realized that she was choking on spaghetti that the cooks had purposely cut too long.    After laughing at her, we decided it would be a good idea to help her.   Aunt Dawn gave her the Heimlic Maneuver, which probably saved her life.   Immediately we left the restaurant which had very delicious food.   We all got in the Camaro and drove to Little Round Top and practiced our target shooting, just in case there was another war.   In the distance we saw a stand, but not just any stand – a stand that had pamplets for a hill that you could roll down.   We decided to go to it.   After experiencing the pleasure of rolling down a hill,  we decided to wander off and explore the magnificent country side – or so we thought.   As we left, we noticed a small white animal on the side of the road about a mile ahead.   As we got closer we noticed that it was a white donkey.   This was not just any ordinary donkey — this donkey had fierce bodyguards.   These were not just any fierce bodyguards.    These were rabid dogs that could rip an elephant in half with one bite.    As Matt and I wandered over to the donkey to pet it with our fully loaded elephant rifles, the rabid beasts came out to kill.


The burrow on the side of the road before the rabid beasts attacked.

As the dogs were running at us we fired shots which hit them but bounced off causing no damage at all.   As we proceeded to run like big strong men would in a situation, they followed us getting closer and closer with every second.   As we leeped valiently through the Camaro window, I hit the gas and floored it out of there.   The  dogs jumped on our roof and began to tear through the metal roof.   One of the dogs claws pierced Matt in the throat.   With Matt still living, I stabbed a dagger through the dogs head and killed him right then and there.   Without any time to stop at the hospital, I performed surgery on Matt while driving at 200 miles per hour on the back roads.   This was no biggie, because I do it all the time.   He fortunately survived after I put him through a few five-minute physical therapy lessons in the car.   After that he was fine and had no scars.   After that we went to see Flight 93.   After that great experience we left and drove to our hotel.   When we got the hotel we noticed a bad smell in the room.   We looked around for the smell and realized there were two dead animals under the bed, and one under the dresser.   So we checked out, and went to a fabulous Holiday Inn Express.    When we got in the room, we noticed it was perfect – it was the best franchise to stay in.   We slept great all night after all the great adventures that day.   All of the sudden we realized that we forgot to drop off our tour guide Cliff, so we brought him back to Gettysburg then returned to our hotel.    Then we fell into a deep dark sleep.

One Response to “Adventures in Gettysburg”

  1. Gram says:

    My dear grandson…please, don’t ever lose that vivid imagination. I was on the edge of my seat through the whole thing. An added bonus was that I did not have to refer to my newly found “english to texting” reference guide! I enjoyed your tales, but would like you to post a picture of those dogs…like you did of King Kong. I did, however, catch a glimpse of the pregnant goat.

    Also, I’m so glad that you’ve had all that practice in performing surgery during 200 MPH high speed chases so that you could save my other grandson’s life. Thank you so much for that. I’ll have to come up with some sort of medal for you to wear on your chest.

    Have fun! Keep blogging. Love ~~Gram

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